Thursday, September 25, 2008



Little can be seen, as it is pretty darn dark. Faint light through thin fabric being used as a curtain is all we have. Every now and then we barely catch a movement from the bed.

Much creaking as one of the bed's occupants, a four-year-old girl rolls over and puts her arm around her 20-year-old sister.

Tell me a story.

(sigh) You tell me a story.

Once upon a time... there was a girl... name mommy... watched a movie... drove the car to the mall. And I couldn't go! Mommy said no! And I said I cried. And Lis came and put me in time-out.

There is a pause.

The end?

Tell me a story.

Adam and Eve and Pinch-me-quick went down to the river to bathe. Adam and Eve got drownded; who do you think was saved?

Adam and Eve.

No, it was Pinch-me-quick. But don't.

Little Sister shifts in the bed.

Tell me a story.

(sigh) Can't you just go to sleep? (pause) All right. One day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other; drew their swords and shot each other. Two deaf policemen, two blocks away, heard the noise and came to kill those two dead boys. If you don't believe my story is true, go ask the blind man. He saw it too. (pause) Now go to sleep.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

UFO'S EXPLAINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, tonight my dad and I were sitting on the couch eating potato chips (bleh) and watching this UFO show. And we were having fun. My dad is the guy that had us all laughing hysterically through a ghost TV show. Anywhere he is is a party, if others are willing for it to be so.

Anyway, we're watching this show. We complain about the people on there who use "UFO" incorrectly, not realizing/remembering that "UFO" means "unidentified flying object." We make fun of the "big question" - namely, is there life on other planets? Well, yeah. (Reminds me of that horrid Christmas song... "Mary, did you know that your baby boy would someday walk on water?" My answer: "Yes. Now quit singing.") And then we got to some "Even skeptics can't deny this!!!" stuff - in this case, these military men went out to check on a perhaps downed aircraft and found these indentations in a scuffed area, and they were measuring them when they saw this red light that looked exactly like an eye, somehow, and then it started moving through the trees... even my dad admitted it was aliens.

"Okay, look, I can explain this. This alien astronomer was out looking at the stars, and he needed a... pit stop, you know? And he was using a red light so as not to destroy his night vision." (For those who are not amateur astronomy dudes like my dad, every astronomer worth his salt carries a red light to see with, as the light will not destroy the night vision an astronomer needs to see the starts better.)

We then realized why we have all these UFO sightings but no visitations: Earth is merely a pit stop in the way to somewhere else.

Then it got to the part about so-called alien abductions, and I decided it was time for me to go to bed. Last time I watched something like that I couldn't sleep for a week.

Monday, September 15, 2008

My Room

What someone would learn about me, simply by walking into my room:

-I like cats

-my real name

-I'm Mormon

-I like Ireland, or something

-I really like books, especially fantasy (Terry Pratchett, Brian Jacques, Brandon Sanderson, Diana Wynne Jones, Eoin Colfer...)

-I'm proud of my lousy artwork

-I share my room with someone

Questions they would want to ask:

-What is that huge trophy from? (A Mutual activity.)

-Why are you using a red piece of fabric as a curtain, especially when the wallpaper is dark green and blue? (Feng Shui)

-Why are there ducks on the wallpaper? (I have no idea.)

-What is with that watch being struck by lightning up there? (Long story, involving an art class and a mind that thinks differently than most people's.)

-Have you really read all of these books? (Yes. Well, most of them. I've bought around 30 in the past few months, and many I haven't gotten around to. But most of them I have.)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sometimes, I Don't Want to Know...

But then an other man appeared and said "Hey guys, what's goin' on?"
And they all said, "Shut up, Devon."
"And he was all like," Rats. But then he "said, Timer eat Mary-l"
But then James spun him around in his swivel chair and he got dizzy and Devin bought him(self) a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly.
Butt then the sqwerl team a peard and et Devin and Mariel laughed ha ha. And James et a chrunchy dill. and there was much rejoicing yay.
And a giant mutant monster skunk stepped on the building and said "Oops."
And then, Voldemort zapped he.
And then, Voldemort zapped I.
And then, Harry Potter fainted.
And then, and they day. Day?
die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die, "said Voldemort."
Then Chameleon Guy gave Voldemort a Super Shmack and kronked him over the head with a Sugar Shake.
"Rats," said voldemort tom riddle.
Then Mariel, James, Abby, Cake, Carry, Kari, Chameleon Guy, Voldemort, and Vince the giant mutant monster skunk all did the can-can. Then all those guys except Voldemort teamed up and repeatedly smacked Voldemort with billy clubs.
And then, came the guy who goes ,"Eh heh he" and et a man who wasn't a man he was a dill. Pickle.
And he said, ":)"
Butt then, SuperBatIncredibileGuy came and kicked some tail. Like Voldemort tail. He doesn't need a tail to get it kicked, Cheley Belly. Oh m' bellay.
Said the sour kangro.l
And from now on, know what I'l going to do? I'll protect my country. and liberty and stuff, you know.
But then what happened? uh... dang, what did happen? Ema readed Voldemort's palm. His palm said, 'raspberry. You know, the tongue raspberry.
So, Alan... Wright? No, it's Matthew Wright. Well, what's Alan's name then? Alen's's's's's name is funkydunk. No it's not Melissa back off. Alan... couldn't be Turner. NOt Austen. umm... what was it? I named he, I should know. Melissa, did you read the story he was in? That I rote? ummmmmmmmmmm........ maybe......... what's it about ? Orphanages and people who are like you and are sisters of Alans. orphaNEGes........ I read it ................. go look it up. why??????? so go on. So anyway? The super squishy squish moblie was like "hey guys, lets go get some pixzza. bytheway john the x's is be silenced and stuff.
Then Maryl was like, "We're all goingto die if we don't get sommat twa et. How bout a bout with the itlyane scalyane? that's is not excepible. so toyla maked a trampolene witha piece of sting waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Timer EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTT!! Grumio:Are they ready?
Verminard: (exaperated)they are
Grumio:Send them in!
(the next peoples to talk are a random assortment of girls who are forced to flirt with Micheal. poor them. losers hah hah hah. but they actually sound like they ARE flirting with him)
Welcome home Grumio
How now Grumio?
What Grumio.
How now old lad?
Grumio: Welcome you, how now you, what you, and so much for greeting
narrator: now i will skip to a different secne where i actually have a line or two.

Grumio:fie fie. of all tired jades, was ever a man beaten, was ever a man so weary.something about a fire. holla ho curtis.
Curtis: who is it that calls so coldly?
Grumio:(puts curtis in a head lock) a piece of ice. something about a heel. and therefore fire good curtis.
(man enters with wood)
Man: something about the whereabouts of my master?
Grumio: blah blah blah. and therefore fire! (verminard enters with pail of water, knocks into the man with wood, the wood gets drenched)
Grumio: Cast on no water!
narrator: there is a bunch of stuff and we will enter back in during one of Grumio's lectures.
Grumio:....Whose hand, she being now at hand, you will feel to the cold comfort in this hot office? (about to smite curtis' head off)
Sarai!!!!!!!!!!!: I prithee, good Grumio, tell me, how goes the world?
Danny or Dani?I prefer Dani. mebbe Dany?naw, danny or dani. pittle ittle twa the little tea pot short and beanlike, just like Ed!!!(by the way, john danny wrote that) Ed ed bo bed banana fanna fo fed me my mo med Ed! Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh and evil swacer is here to suck tyler's sole out through his left elbow!!!!! a Safari? let's click it!

I found this while cleaning out files today. I think Patsy wrote most of it, and Random helped.

Friday, September 12, 2008

It's Diviiiiiine Comedyyyyyyy!!!!

(Once There Was a Snowman)

Once there were some cougars, cougars, cougars
Once there were some cougars
Rise and shout

(Chorus of Miley Cyrus's See You Again)

Come on, let's rise and shout
Oh how our cheers will ring out
As we're unfolding our vict'ry story!
And on, on, on we'll go
We'll vanquish every foe
For Alma Mater's sons and daughters.
In cougs our faith is strong
And we will join in song
Colors high in the blue
Oh we can't wait to beat you again.

(Chorus of Breakfast at Tiffany's)

And I said, what about BYU football?
She said, I've been to one or two games
Oh yes, I recall we sang the cougar Fight Song
And I said, isn't that song just great?

(Me to You by the Beatles)

We are on the trail to fame
We'll join in song for you
Our cheers will ring while our colors are high
We're fans in white and blue

(Chorus of Love Song by Sara Bareilles)

And we're going to sing you a fight song
And we're cheering you
'Cause you're winning, you see

(Banana Boat Song)

First down! Me say first down!
Cougars run down the football field
Ten yards, five yards, and touchdown!

(After a moment of fumbling, a BYU keychain is pulled out. A moment later, the Fight Song comes out of it, rather tinnily.)

We hope that this is the audition that gets me in.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


"I apologize for being late... I have excuses, but none of them are any good."

"It's a long story involving my dad's keys, $60, and a visit to TacoTime, but I'll spare you the details. All you need know is that the mission was accomplished and none of our side got hurt."

"Sorry. My partner and I had a bit of trouble getting past the enemy."

"Not tonight, I have a secret mission to complete."

These quotes:
A) Have all been said by me
B) Were true when said, in a roundabout way
C) A) and B)


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I Wonder

"Well, what seems to be the problem?"

"I don't really know that there is a problem..." (she shifts in her chair)

"You wouldn't have come to me if there wasn't a problem."

"True. Well, you see, I have a question."


"When will someone love me?"

(astonished silence)

"Many people love you. You have many friends, several siblings, parents..."

(sigh) "I thought you'd say that. Thanks for your help."

"You're... welcome?"

Monday, September 08, 2008

Eric Snider is Hilarious

"And lo, verily, the mother of Jesus said: Jesus, why is it thou art now in thy thirties yet thou hast not married? What is wrong with that lovely Magdalene girl? Why dost thou not marry her? And Jesus sayeth unto her: Woman, the day I am wed to Mary Magdalene is the day I eat a pork chop wrapped in bacon, for verily, I shall never marry her nor any other woman, for lo, that is how I roll." -Eric Snider

Sunday, September 07, 2008


Where do you live?

Only people I like get that information, and I'm not sure I like you.

Do you like Jeeps?

Well, I suppose. They're a little difficult to get into, but I've heard I'm rather good at getting into them. I've heard. (subject shrugs)

What color?

Red. You know, there are days when everything is red. Everything, everyone. Except me. I'm gold.

You're gold?

Aye. Rather pretty, isn't it? It actually belongs to my friend. Though she hates it when I say that. I don't understand why.

Is it true you have food allergies?

Well, aye. Kinda. I mean, it's an intolerance actually. Or so the doctor says. Which is why I don't die when I eat the stuff. But I check anyway. That's why I read the ingredients on the box of cornflakes. I have to be careful. Or so I tell myself. And that's why I eat my hamburgers with lettuce. (subject shakes her head) Though I still can't believe the put the bacon on top of the lettuce...

I heard you hate Goonies.

Oh aye. And I don't know why, so don't ask, mate. I just do. I'd take a musical any day.

How do you feel about sprinklers?

(subject laughs) They're forgiven. They're forgiven. Though they're lucky I'm fast.

What about silence?

What about it?

How do you feel about it?

Most of the time it's awkward, and then I hate it. However, sometimes it's all right. Though I suppose I really should talk anyway... I wonder... (subject ponders for a while, and doesn't pay attention until her name has been said three times)

Have you had any fun recently?

That was a lot of fun... the most fun I've had on an outing like that probably ever. I mean, I don't have much of a track record to compare it too, but that's still something. Much is to be said about a lack of awkwardness.

Would you do it again?

Would I ever. (subject smiles)

(end of interview)

Tuesday, September 02, 2008


As first days go, I suppose it wasn't too bad.

I did have to wear a jacket and a sweatshirt to school, and I was still cold, but it is fall, sortofnotreally. Even if I don't remember it ever being this cold this early before. (And wasn't there supposed to be global warming or something going on?)

And then there is, again, my wonderful talent for getting classes that are right after each other and on opposite ends of campus. Going from the Bookstore to the JSB to the JKB isn't too bad, though, especially compared to last semester's mad dash from the HFAC to the Maeser Building. Or my father's "I had to run from class to the basement of the HFAC to get my instrument, and then I had to run from there all the way to the practice field. In only ten minutes!"

I didn't even get very lost. I did mark down my schedule correctly, causing me to be in the right room but on the wrong day, and I did have to wander around the HFAC for ten minutes before I found my acting class, but that's better than the time I was fifteen minutes late because I didn't realize my class was actually a level above me.

Nah, not too bad. Even when I count how much homework I have. I mean, it could be worse. I could have had to give up my life savings for tuition instead of spending grant money on it. I could have had to pay full tuition, using all my grant money. : ( I could have had to use my summer's savings on books (like that nice girl in my religion class) instead of, again, using grant money. I could have had to beg my parents for money for school supplies instead of three-guesses-what-goes-here-and-the-first-two-don't-count. And it's very nice that I had enough money left over to put $100 on my phone, $50 on my student ID, pay off my braces, spend $200 on fun books last Saturday, and buy an iPod.

Maybe I should stop now before someone shoots me.